Death

I find myself thinking of death more now that I have kids.  A friend recently shared a link to this blog.  This mama is currently expecting her third child, a boy, and her husband died in a freak accident a couple of weeks ago.  I just can't shake her story. 

Dustin is on a roof right now in the freezing rain.  I worry about him at work, but don't let it get to me.  I just texted him "I love you".  He text back, "Love u too u ok?"  I knew it would probably freak him out getting that random text.  Not that I would text him that I loved him, but the fact that I didn't have anything else to say.  Usually our texting would be something like "how about something with hamburger for supper.  Love you". 

As much as my husband drives me nuts, I would in no way want to live without him.  The thought scares the shit out of me.  Every time I hear sirens and Dustin isn't home I call or text him to make sure he's okay.  It drives him crazy.

Pregnancy brings out my morbid side (not currently pregnant).  When I was pregnant with Karson and driving back and forth to Cedar Falls everyday, I remember calling Dustin and telling him that if I got in an accident to have them cut the baby out and worry about me later.  I also think more about weird crazy freak accidents.  Like slipping and falling down the stairs or slipping in the shower. 

Being a mom makes you more protective about everything.  I work in my office alone a lot.  I have run through many scenarios of what-ifs.  My scissors are with-in reach whenever a man comes in the office and I'm by myself.  I've also learned to take phone messages differently.  If someone calls and asks for one of the guys in the office I always say they are unavailable instead of they're not here.  I try not to put out the girl-alone-in-fairly-secluded-office beacon.  I'm a freak I know, but I've got babies that need their mother and I most definitely want to see my grandbabies someday!

I've also put more effort into making memories for my kids.  Taking pictures of little activities they do with Dustin.  Taking some videos with my voice in them.  If something were to happen to Dustin or me, I want my kids to have something, anything that helps them to remember me.  Even if it's something as small as me telling Karson to leave Kamden alone on a silly little video of them dancing during Glee.

Whenever I have these feelings of gloom and doom I pray.  When I wake up in the middle of the night after a horrible dream involving someone getting hurt, dying, etc.  I pray.  When in doubt I pray.  I know everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for us.

Hmm...Not exactly where I was going with this post, but I'm leaving it as it came out.

Point being, other people's tragedies make you appreciate what you have.  I'll be giving my family extra squeezes tonight.  Will you?